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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26548135">for the rest of our lives</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricallyharley/pseuds/lyricallyharley'>lyricallyharley</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtennotsung/pseuds/writtennotsung'>writtennotsung</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, alcohol use</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:54:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,776</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26548135</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricallyharley/pseuds/lyricallyharley, https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtennotsung/pseuds/writtennotsung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Dan's kept a lot of secrets in his life. </p><p>The ring is the biggest one though.”</p><p>Every time Dan attempts to ask Phil one simple question, something goes wrong. Perhaps even some of the most important events in his life don’t have to be perfect.</p><p>Or alternatively, the five times Dan tries to propose to Phil and the one time he gets it right, although not in the way he expected.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>for the rest of our lives</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>we had so much fun writing this for the pbb! many thanks to everyone involved</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan's kept a lot of secrets in his life. </p><p>The ring is the biggest one though.</p><p>He's always known he's been a terrible procrastinator at the best of times. The worst of times. All of the times. Yet every time he's felt that feeling, that need to reach into the pocket of his old Manchester hoodie and pull out the ring that's still nestled in its cushion of silky velvet in its posh black box, he's talked himself out of it. Call him ridiculous, tell him he's overthinking things. It's just never been the moment.</p><p>This is Phil after all, it has never seemed as perfect as now.</p><p>Before this day in his life's history, Dan wouldn't have known just how difficult ring shopping was.</p><p>There's the colour and shape consideration. The metal. He has very high standards for himself and the aesthetic has to be perfect; nothing too over the top with stones, but not just a simple gold band either. And why gold? There's platinum. Sterling silver. Rose gold, even. Platinum is far too expensive.</p><p>That's the other thing. Not one person in his life has told him how expensive rings are. You can't just waltz into your local jewelry shoppe and expect to find anything lasting or fitting for twenty pounds. In fact, most rings don't start much cheaper than upwards of one hundred pounds. He has no idea what he's doing. It's one tiny band of jewelry, but he feels positively lost.</p><p>The shop is empty. With all of the lights and glass cases he feels like he's in a museum, one that hosts only shiny necklaces and shimmering jewelled rings, some of which selling for upwards of four thousand pounds. He fears even breathing too loudly. Small-framed, lanky gits don't fit into this picture. He doesn't even know if he should be here. Because if he thinks too hard about why he's come, well, if he thinks about it his heart starts to clamour in his chest.</p><p>Phil. He wants this for Phil. He wants it to be the best thing Phil's ever gotten, to see Phil wearing it everywhere so everybody knows.</p><p>Phil is his. No matter how scared he gets sometimes, no matter what the world's thrown at him or his own mind has tried to tell him otherwise, Phil is the one thing he will always have.</p><p>Phil definitely isn't expecting this. Probably wouldn't even think of him doing this.</p><p>"Can I help you, dear?" A very posh older woman questions, making him jump slightly from where he's stood eyeing the same glass display case of rings that aren't quite right for whatever reason.</p><p>She's dressed in a pressed navy pantsuit with hair tied up daintily to frame her thin face, wearing diamond earrings and a pearl necklace. This is someone who knows their jewelry and he immediately feels intimidated,</p><p>"Hi. I uh- sorry. I don't really know what I'm doing."</p><p>It's the kind of room that looks like it should cost money just to be inside. It smells like carpet cleaner. It's a distinct smell that finally catches up with Dan after some delay. He suddenly becomes hyper aware of where he is and what he's doing. </p><p>"What are you looking for?"</p><p>Then comes the debate. He knows he needs to ask about rings. But what if she wants to know who the ring is for? Does he own up and say it's for a man? Does he just say a ring and wait for her to ask?</p><p>He remembers when he was eighteen and there was a ring being slid onto his finger, his hand being shakily held by a blushing, smiling mess of a Phil that Dan can match to the one today and yet also barely recognize as the same boy.</p><p>Phil had gotten them matching bands, a sweet little reminder of one to the other for the time that would unknowingly be their last few months of long-distance. Back before the haircuts, before London. Before <em> Dan and Phil </em> was a worldwide name, and Phil was the loud one, impulsive and bold enough to do something like that for the boy he loved.</p><p>The boy Dan loved, still loves. His boy is a man. What a difference a decade can make.</p><p>Dan still wears that promise ring sometimes, still keeps it within arms’ reach in times where he's in that feeling and Phil isn't home. Everything was so uncertain back then, hundreds of miles between them and futures going in all possible directions. Phil chose him even back then. He still wants to be with him after all these years.</p><p>Whether Phil knows it or not, it's Dan's turn now.</p><p>“I’m uh,” he glances at the nearest case, seeing several heavily jewelled rings and large necklaces that are definitely not the image he has in mind. “Looking for a ring.”</p><p>She asks the question he’s expecting, clearly well-versed in her craft.</p><p>“What kind of ring? Do you have any preference for the shape of the band or engravings? Is this a gift?”</p><p>Does this count as a gift? He feels like he’s overthinking this too much but also, Phil thinks he’s at a meeting right now. He’s thought about this. It’s just that, this woman is unknowingly the first and only person to know Dan’s plans so far.</p><p>“I don’t know.” He laughs awkwardly. “I don’t know my rings.”</p><p>Stores like these probably get so many young men coming in blind. She looks neither annoyed nor surprised. “Are you searching for yourself? Or someone else?”</p><p>“I’m thinking of proposing” he finally blurts.</p><p>She must hear these words many times in a day, but her face still lights in a soft smile, delight gently etching her stern features. She nods knowingly and a knot unwinds in his chest knowing that she now understands why he’s all flustered and awkward.</p><p>“We have many engagement rings.” She informs him, gesturing over to a dimly lit corner as she goes back into business mode, relaying her carefully memorized knowledge and guiding him toward the shelf. “Gold and silver are most popular for these occasions. The infinity ring design is especially coveted, very delicate yet beautiful, you know?”</p><p>Dan sees what she’s indicating and yes, the set of rings in that design are incredibly pretty, all undulating lines and gemstones, but also, not quite something that feels like it’s for him or Phil. It’s feminine, which is not at all a bad thing, just not entirely fitting to this specific occasion.</p><p>“They’re lovely, yeah.” He says absently as she gestures to another that’s much more elaborate.</p><p>“If you think she should have something more flashy-“ she begins.</p><p>“-He.” Dan corrects, almost unthinkingly. It hits him a second later of course and the momentary pause that comes after feels a lot longer than it actually is. It's not the first time he's come out to a stranger, but it’s not a feeling he will ever grow immune to. Even after a year of being out publicly there's always a brief moment of fear every time he has to say it. It really is true what they say; you never do stop coming out.</p><p>“Of course!”  she corrects herself, her expression entirely unbothered. The balloon of nerves he’d been feeling moments before deflates in his chest, his mind tuning out for a moment as she continues to talk. It’s a relief, and he appreciates her casualness. It never gets easier, but good people do seem to exist.</p><p>There’s a counter next to the display with a worn three-ring binder sat atop of it. She picks it up, flipping open the cover to reveal pages of ring images with shapes, sizing and price lists and setting it down so Dan can see.</p><p>“Do you have his ring size? We could start there and see what we have for choices,” she offers. </p><p>Dan does have Phil’s ring size. They’d talked about it after Phil had given Dan his promise ring, a random curiosity thing, mostly. Though it makes sense when you think about it, Dan hadn’t really considered that rings weren’t one-size-fits all until Phil, still flustered from the gift in the first place, had shyly joked about how difficult it had been to find a ring in Dan’s size without asking him. </p><p>He’d managed to get it successfully by teasing Phil about initially getting his wrong with the promise ring. When Dan had first worn that one it had been slightly too large, sliding off his finger a lot until he eventually grew into it. Ring size is important, Dan knows that firsthand, and as such he had wasted no time in ensuring he had this very thing before travelling to the shop today. He didn’t want to miss a single detail.</p><p>He tells her the size, earning him a secretive smile as she notices him eyeing the images of engagement rings laid out neatly on the binder’s pages.</p><p>"Well, it's a good thing you decided to propose to him,” she says. “I'm not sure a ring in <em> your </em> ring size would be an easy thing to get your hands on if this had been the other way around."</p><p>Dan doesn't get the joke at first. He often forgets how obnoxiously big his hands are. Once he realizes what she means though he lets out a chuckle. </p><p>"Oh, yeah,” he laughs. "Probably not."</p><p>“I’ve seen a lot of hands in my day.” She chuckles. “It always really delights me when someone is proposing to a man. It doesn’t happen as often, but the rings are just gorgeous. More partners need to propose to their man so I can show off the less common bands. They’re some of my personal favourites.”</p><p>“I’m glad.” He laughs, shocked that he feels so at ease now when he’d walked into this place feeling like an intruder. Jewelry stores have such an odd vibe. Her posh appearance isn’t as daunting, and her friendliness is calming in this atmosphere of <em> expensive. </em></p><p>He vaguely wonders if he should take it as a compliment that she’s blatantly called his hands larger than normal. Unlike his height, it’s not something about him that normally gets commented on. Then again, it shouldn’t be surprising that someone who works with hands for a living would have noticed immediately; it probably just seems like a passing comment to someone whose job it is to know what expensive gold accessory fits best on everyone.</p><p>The shopkeeper turns to a page with much more sturdy, handsome designs, pointing to a few of the customizable options.</p><p>“When it comes to engagement, I like to get to know the person I’m serving,” she tells him, voice animated. “I’d like you to think about him, the kind of place he has in your life and what thinking about him makes you feel. We want to pick something that feels like <em> him </em>to you. What is his name, dear?”</p><p>“Phil.” Dan says fondly.</p><p>“Phil.” She repeats, like they’re sharing a secret. “Though he may not know it, someone right here, right now wants to promise himself to him forever. He wants to get it right. Phil is a special man and we need to find something just as special.”</p><p>His heart swells at those words. She’s passionate about her jewelry, that much is clear. She wants to make the sale of course but clearly also takes pride in her work. Dan has a feeling she won’t settle for less and will want to see that he’s certain he has the right one if he chooses to buy from this shop.</p><p>Dan is a perfectionist. He didn’t just blindly blunder into this shop and hope the first one would be the best one. No, this shop choice is the result of several days of research, sleepless nights online window shopping and hours of reading reviews and trying to narrow down exactly what he wanted. Committing is a big deal to Dan even if he knows it’s what he wants. Call him extra, but for Phil, he’s going to make the biggest deal he can out of this.</p><p>“I want something sturdy for him.” He finds himself saying. Now that he’s not anxious, the authoritative, detail-oriented Dan is slipping out. “Sort of a clean, elegant design but not too flat or over-the-top. He’s clumsy so it has to be able to take a beating, ideally something that’ll last forever. He’s such a lovely, gentle person though. I’m not wanting ultra-manly or anything.”</p><p>“Of course.” She muses. “Perhaps a standard metal could be substituted for something more unique. It would attribute well to his personality, yet still look stunning and distinctive.”</p><p>“What would that look like?” Dan asks. He’s curious, having never realized how much personal attributes could influence this decision.</p><p>She turns to another page, her manicured finger pointing down to an image of an engagement ring set in a bed of crushed velvet, strikingly beautiful and setting off something in Dan’s mind that just feels right.</p><p>It’s different, it’s attractive. It’s not encrusted with gemstones or over-the-top, yet fitting. Just a dark, deep-grey band, lined with silver at the edges with an attractive matte finish. It looks like it belongs on the hands that Dan’s own know so well, like he could see it in his mind for Phil. Not a traditional ring, not just any ordinary person.</p><p>“Perfect.” He says aloud, a gentle ease setting over him at once. “This is perfect”.</p><p>-</p><p>The ring has a hiding place. It took Dan a while to pick the right one.</p><p>He thought about hiding it in Phil's old Manchester hoodie. Neither of them have worn it in years, but he couldn't be sure that Phil wouldn't just decide to wear it one day and find the ring. Or worse, never notice that it's there and throw it in the wash. Not that he had done that in a long time, but clothing tossing sprees were unpredictable with Phil. What if he decided to clean out his wardrobe and just happened to pick that sweater?</p><p>It was too risky, and Dan wasn't taking any chances.</p><p>For a while, the ring migrated. For such a tiny thing it occupied a large portion of Dan’s waking mind, always feeling like it was glaringly obvious to Phil that the object was there, hiding in a sock ball in Dan’s sock drawer or tucked behind the cleaning supplies in the bathroom closet, since Phil wasn’t one for tidying. The first few weeks of having the ring were anxiety personified for Dan, who was repeatedly hiding it and then changing his mind. </p><p>He’d never realized just how much of the house Phil touched until that moment when he suddenly needed to find an <em> untouched </em> space. Nothing is quite as heart attack-inducing as seeing your boyfriend’s hand inches away from your hiding spot. He’d almost resigned himself to the idea that maybe moving the ring was the only answer. They didn’t have the biggest apartment in the world, after all. Space just enough for two who share everything.</p><p>Eventually, furious googling had led Dan to a fairly straightforward yet simple answer: a combination of several articles that all advised he <em> hide the ring in off-season clothing </em> and also, additionally, <em> ditch the box. </em></p><p>The box, which was half of what made the hiding so difficult in the first place, was hidden back to the sock drawer, while the ring, much smaller and compact now than before, was taken and slipped into the inner pocket of Dan’s biggest winter jacket, stashed away with the approaching warmer seasons and highly unlikely to be worn by Phil at all. While sharing clothes was practically second nature with the two of them, certain coats of theirs were entirely their own.</p><p>So for now at least, the coat in the coat closet is Dan’s current solution.</p><p>It might seem silly to hide such a precious, expensive item in a place like that, but it was the one spot that Dan was certain he’d always be able to hide it and Phil would never find it.</p><p>He hasn’t thought much about how he’s going to do it. He wants to wait for an opportunity, rather than try to create one. Trying to make something like this play out exactly how he wants it to is unrealistic, there’s too much circumstance to consider and plans can be disrupted. It has to come naturally, he’s sure he’ll know when it’s time one day.</p><p>Then two months pass, and he still has that ring hidden in that black winter coat. The closet becomes a silent war zone between its proximity to Phil and Dan’s eyes. Every time Phil passes by, Dan holds his breath. He’s a master of putting things off at the best of times, but knowing when to propose when the plan is to wing it is about as easy as hiding the ring in the first place. Whenever he doesn’t know what to do, he just tells himself it’ll come to him eventually.</p><p>It's not often, but he hadn’t planned on this taking so long. He’d figured this wouldn't be an issue. The trouble is, there’s no clean-cut, surefire way to do this. No guide to tell him how. He genuinely doesn’t know.</p><p>Just the thought of asking Phil to marry him puts him on edge. He definitely still has anxieties, and even though he's almost certain Phil will say yes, he never fails to imagine the worst case scenario.</p><p>It’s not like they’ve never talked about it. They’ve discussed it at length actually, never in detail but always in that reassuring, offhand way that comes with years and years of living with one another. Maybe two years into being together they had stopped feeling afraid of saying gentle, binding words, embracing their rapidly changing and progressively intertwined existences that suggested that they were in this for the long run.</p><p>“When we live together” became “when we’re older”, “when we’re older” became subtle jokes about being married from viewers and friends alike. When they were younger Phil had often insisted that marriage was just a piece of paper, that they were together and always wanted to be. Best friends, partners through life, actual  soulmates and all that.</p><p>Dan had always wanted to get married though. Maybe partly to prove to his past self that he had become so much more than he ever thought he could, that he was exactly who he thought he’d never be able to be. He had the most amazing partner in the whole world and that was what solidified it for him, really. Phil is in his life for a reason, and though the jokes would always be there, “we’ll get married one day” is something that has now been said, so often that it feels like a near-certain future.</p><p>Dan knows that Phil loves him, and that he could just get on one knee whenever he wants to, and yet somehow that's the scariest part. Knowing that whenever the time comes he could just <em> do it, </em> and he wants to do it right. </p><p>So whenever an opportunity does arise, he freezes. </p><p>He can't help but wonder if he's ready. Not just for marriage, but even for the act of asking for it. He's terrified. He's an adult who's written three books, been on two tours, who has millions of followers and who's whole life is out there on the internet for anyone to see, but this is still the scariest thing he's ever decided to do.</p><p>Even whenever he feels like he's ready, that he'll jump on the very next chance that he gets, he crumbles under the pressure, or often doesn't notice the opportunity when it's sitting right in front of him because he ends up spending too much time overthinking it. </p><p>He's procrastinating at proposing. He almost finds it impressive.</p><p>He wonders if Phil has any idea what he's planning, not that he has anything planned. <em> Extravagant </em> has never been an appealing word to them, but he doesn't know whether Phil would be surprised if he just dropped to his knee out of nowhere with absolutely no pretence, or if he would be expecting it. He doesn't necessarily care about the surprise itself, he just wants this moment to be as special as possible. </p><p>They've been together for so long and for him, this is a reminder that nothing has changed. That no matter what, they'll always have each other. It's not supposed to be scary, they've already had many conversations about their future. Enough to make his head spin, in fact. Marriage for them isn't an endgame or the major life changer that society has made it out to be in the media. To them it's a piece of paper that gives them tax benefits, as their commitment to each other is something that has never changed and never will. </p><p>But it can also mean so much more. Dan loves Phil, and he wants to ask him to do this, despite them not really having any real reason to. Realistically, there's no point to it. That leaves all of Dan's reasoning left to sentiment. And at times, that can be a dangerous thing.</p><p>Dan spends too much time thinking. Even Phil tells him that sometimes. He builds things up in his mind and lets them drive him crazy. He’s aware of it, he knows that he’s doing it now. The idea of just brushing it off just doesn’t sound appealing to him right now. He’s a perfectionist, and he won’t blame himself for wanting this to be the best it can be.</p><p>He figures he shouldn’t wait any longer. It’ll drag on forever if he doesn’t do it soon.</p><p><em> Tonight. </em>He thinks. He’ll do it tonight.</p><p>Morning comes and the ring has left its coat pocket. For the first time in months, it’s in another place now, secure Dan’s jeans pocket within safe reaching distance of his anxious hands, checking and re-checking that it’s still there. He’s sat in bed, wearing the clothes he fell asleep on yesterday and thumbing over the cool shape of the ring once again.</p><p>He’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t even notice when Phil enters the room. It isn’t until he feels the weight of the mattress suddenly shift under him that he turns his head and sees Phil sat there mid-yawn.</p><p>It’s too soon for Phil to be coming to bed for a nap, at least on a normal day. It’s only mid day and Dan had just woken up after sleeping in. He wonders how long Phil has been up for.</p><p>“It’s a bit early for you to be tired.” Dan observes. Phil just leans back against the pillow and waves his hand towards himself. A silent gesture, asking Dan to come to him.</p><p>Dan sighs and lets his weight fall to the side, laying his head on Phil’s shoulder and wrapping his arm around Phil’s torso. </p><p>“You okay?” He asks softly, moving his hand from Phil’s waist to his face and combing through his tousled quiff. He brushes the hair off of his forehead and then retracts his hand, letting it rest on his side again. </p><p>Phil doesn’t respond at first. He just rubs his eyes and sighs heavily, clearly in distress.</p><p>So much for an opportunity. </p><p>Dan completely disregards the fact that a proposal would probably make him feel better and just labels the moment as a write-off. </p><p>“Want to tell me what’s wrong?”</p><p>He gently presses a kiss to Phil’s neck, and then to his shoulder in hopes of calming him down. He lifts his head slightly so that he can kiss his head.</p><p>“Nothing, s’just a headache.” Phil tells him. He turns his head to look at him and Dan can see the bags under his eyes.</p><p>“How long have you been up?”</p><p>Phil yawns again at the mention of sleep. </p><p>“Early.” He admits. “I woke up at like, four am.”</p><p>“Jesus.” Dan breathes. “You’ve been overworking yourself again. I can tell.”</p><p>Phil huffs and squeezes his eyes shut. </p><p>He doesn’t like being told that he’s working too hard, but sometimes Dan can see that he’s pushing himself too far. He’s been so stressed about projects and editing and everything else that he forgets to breathe. At times Dan has to force him to take a break.</p><p>All of the sudden, the ring in his pocket feels like a weight.</p><p>He doesn’t want to think about it right now. Surely he can wait until Phil feels better.</p><p>“No I’m not.” Phil groans. “I’m just tired.”</p><p>“At noon?” Dan reminds him. “Phil, you need to take a day off or something.”</p><p>“I already do that too often.”</p><p>“No, I mean we should go do something. Just the two of us. No one else.”</p><p>Phil’s eyebrows raise. The idea is definitely appealing.</p><p>“No friends,” Dan traces a finger up Phil’s arm. “No emails, or worrying about work.” </p><p>Phil’s chest rises slowly, building up to the staggered breath that he lets out as he relaxes under Dan’s touch and the sound of his voice.</p><p>“No stress. Just us.”</p><p>Phil lets his eyes fall shut as Dan continues to brush his fingers up and down his arm. His breathing slows and finds a rhythm as he allows himself to relax. Dan presses a kiss to his head then, pulling him in closer and spooning him. He doesn’t plan on getting up anytime soon, so he may as well get comfortable. He just doesn't feel like leaving Phil on his own right now.</p><p>He isn’t tired, so he watches as Phil’s breathing evens out, paying close attention to the rise and fall of his chest.</p><p>The reality sinks in for him. This is someone he loves more than anything, someone he would do anyone for. No doubt, he wants to do this. </p><p>He’ll take the opportunity when it comes. For now, he’ll just revel in the fact that he’s finally going to ask Phil to marry him.</p><p>
  <b>-second attempt-</b>
</p><p>Their balcony is a rather peaceful place to be at night. No distracting sounds of traffic or pedestrians, no fluttering or cooing from pigeons. Tonight, the world is silent, and it’s just Dan and Phil.</p><p>They’re sat on either side of the table, wine glasses in hand, dinner plates finished, and abandoned.</p><p>They’ve learned over the years that they can handle about three glasses and be fine. Luckily, to Phil's agreement, Dan has only poured them one each.</p><p>He wants to be sober for this. </p><p>Dan has a spotify playlist loaded up on his phone, one he had curated earlier. It's made up of mostly instrumental music, but a few slower songs with vocals have managed to slip in. It could be Phil’s influence, but old favourites ironically enough never seem to feel old.</p><p>Again, he tries to act normal, but he knows Phil can tell something is up. He constantly lets his mind wander with doubt and question. How will he say it? Should he have prepared a speech? Should he get on one knee?</p><p>Phil slides his hand over Dan's, encasing it in warmth. </p><p>"What's wrong?" He asks.</p><p>Dan let's his haze drop to the table briefly. He can see the confusion in Phil's gaze. He stares at him as if he's trying to read Dan and he would very much not like to give his plans away by being too nervous.</p><p>He eventually makes steady eye contact again. He lets a long sigh escape his lips.</p><p>"Nothing, I'm just thinking."</p><p>"About what?"</p><p>"Life stuff, I guess."</p><p>"Well, stop it." Phil stands up and wraps his fingers gently around Dan's hand. "Tonight is not for thinking. You said so yourself."</p><p>He pulls him out of his seat and close enough so that he can wrap his arms around his neck and kiss him.</p><p>Dan's mind draws a blank as he instinctively presses against Phil's body, returning the kiss. He lifts his hand and wraps it around Phil's arm, steadying their position so that they don't topple over from the sudden movement. </p><p>He pulls away with a smile, their faces inches apart.</p><p>"You're right, no thinking."</p><p>He presses their lips together again, running his hands across Phil's arms and down his sides. He jumps a little at the unexpected touch but continues to let Dan run his hands around his waist and under his shirt. Dan deepens the kiss and Phil lets out a sigh of content. </p><p>They've shared many different types of kisses together, but the ones they long for the most are the ones that send a rush of air through their lungs and make them feel as if they're walking on air. The wine and the perfect view of clear, starry skies from their balcony definitely adds to the romantic aspect of the situation. </p><p>One of Phil's arms wraps around Dan's shoulders. The other drapes over and he threads his fingers through the curls on the back of Dan's head. He gasps in response, every touch sending him further over the edge of just being a bit buzzed. He can still taste the wine on Phil's lips and his skin is intoxicatingly warm. What can he say? He just loves kissing Phil and sinking against him. He loves that he makes him feel safe.</p><p>He is seriously over the moon for this man.</p><p>Maybe it's just the way the thought of proposing makes his mind run wild and makes all of his emotions surge to the forefront of his mind as he kisses the person he loves more than anything, the person he wants to <em> marry.  </em></p><p>Maybe he's just being a sap, but he loves Phil. He the way he cradles his head when they kiss. He loves that he's able to push against the small of his back until their bodies are flush against each other. He loves the way Phil's lips feel against his and the way his fingers feel pressed against his scalp. He loves how they know each other so well and how they'd do anything to make each other happy.</p><p>"I love you." Dan says suddenly as he pulls away.</p><p>Phil barely gets a breath out before Dan's lips are back on his, giving him no time to react to the abrupt movements. Phil stumbles backwards a bit, but he manages to stay upright.</p><p>Dan can't help it. He's so incredibly smitten and always has been. The more he lets his feelings drive is actions and the more he thinks about how long he's waited for this, the more his chest swells with emotion.</p><p>"Dan," Phil mumbles. "Hey."</p><p>He breaks the kiss and takes slow, steady breaths as Phil presses his hands against his cheeks.</p><p>"What's gotten into you?" </p><p>"I don't know, I'm just happy." He whispers, leaning in and touching his nose to Phil's. "I want you to be happy too."</p><p>A tiny voice in the back of his mind is screaming at him. <em> Just do it already! </em> Dan tenses and tries to push the thoughts away, but his mind continues to fall down the tangent. <em> You're missing opportunity after opportunity, you're scared. </em></p><p>He is scared. He won't deny that. His and Phil's foreheads are touching and their gazes are locked. Dan continues to stare into his eyes long enough that he feels frozen in place, unable to get his legs to function.</p><p>"We're such idiots." He mumbles, effectively killing the chance that he saw. He laughs it off like he hasn't just been about to drop to his knee and hopes that Phil won't notice.</p><p>"Have you exhausted your one brain cell of sentiment for the night?" Phil asks.</p><p>"Who knows? I think I can be sentimental when I want to be."</p><p>Phil smiles. "You have your moments."</p><p>Dan brushes his fingers over his skin, keeping his eyes on Phil's. </p><p>"You think you have me all figured out, don't you."</p><p>"Don't I?" </p><p>"I could have a thing or two up my sleeve." Dan says, attempting to wink, but failing. </p><p>"Do you now?" Phil raises his eyebrows suggestively. It makes Dan laugh. "Or are you just being a twat?"</p><p>"Mate, I'm always being a twat. It's my one talent."</p><p>"Can't argue with that." Phil giggles. He leans in to press a kiss under his ear.</p><p>It just doesn't feel right. He wants the moment to be perfect. He wonders if he should've planned this more or if he should have prepared some words, because right now it doesn't feel appropriate to just pull the ring out unprompted.</p><p>At this point the ring feels like it's burning a hole in his pocket. He wants to take it out so badly. He wants to look Phil in the eyes and say the words sitting on the tip of his tongue.</p><p>He just can't. Or can he? He doesn’t know. He really doesn’t know.</p><p>Phil is too occupied with pressing kisses to his neck to notice his internal debate. He's always been the more physically affectionate person, but when he runs his hands over Dan's shoulders and feels the stiffness there he isn't surprised. He just rests his chin there and pulls Dan into a hug, which he gladly accepts. </p><p>It feels like a dream. Phil, in his arms, the sound of soft piano music playing in the background, and a beautiful night sky.</p><p>They’re aware of the fact that they're slightly tipsy, but it’s nothing over the top. It’s cool outside, and Phil’s body is warm and inviting. It only furthers Dan’s need to keep his arms wrapped around his waist as he rests his head on Phil’s shoulder and listens to the sound of his breathing.</p><p>Phil is somebody who seems to radiate calm. Especially to Dan, just being in his presence is enough for him to forget how nervous he is to ask him this one question. </p><p>He lets his mind wander. He recognizes the song playing quietly on his phone.</p><p>“Nocturne.” He whispers. “Remember when I tried to teach this to you?”</p><p>Phil chuckles. Dan keeps his face buried in his neck but Phil still seems to understand him.</p><p>“Yeah. I didn’t get very far did I?”</p><p>Dan chuckles, lips pressing against Phil's skin. “No, you didn’t.”</p><p>“Hey,” he giggles. “Stop that."</p><p>Dan just laughs and continues pressing featherlight kisses up and down his neck. He knows Phil is ticklish and that the wine probably isn't helping, but he makes no effort to shove Dan away from him so he takes that as an invitation to continue.</p><p>He really is happy. Everything feels so perfect in the absence of the all too normal stress and repressed emotions that keep them from being this happy on a day to day basis. </p><p>Dan knows he should be serious right now. He is proposing, after all, and he can't do it if he's struggling to contain his laughter.</p><p>Their faces are so close. Dan desperately wants to lean his forehead against Phil’s, but he’s too hyper aware of his posture to do so.</p><p>“You’re so tense.” Phil points out, lips twisting into a grin.</p><p>“Ha, yeah.” Dan says absently. He reached out to cup Phil’s chin and tilt it towards his face, heartbeat easing as he feels soft breath on his lips and sees the ease on his boyfriend’s face. Phil steadies his shaking hand and rolls his eyes fondly.</p><p> “Relax.” He chuckles. “You look like you’re about to propose or something.”</p><p>Dan freezes.</p><p> It feels like the air has been sucker punched out of him. The whole world shrinks down in a moment, he jolts his gaze to Phil with eyes wide and Phil stares back at him- and suddenly, Dan doesn’t feel ready.</p><p>“What?” He gets out.</p><p>Phil seems to notice something’s wrong because he looks up confusedly, a gentle expression of worry on his face like he’s said something wrong. Dan on the other hand has no confusion- despair is sinking in and there’s nothing he can do.</p><p>Was it something he’d said that had made it obvious? Does Phil not want him to propose, and this is a warning? He looks so sweet and concerned like Dan being scared is completely out of nowhere, but Dan can’t help but feel like he <em> knows </em>.</p><p>"Are you- are you being serious?" He stutters. </p><p>Phil frowns. “Wait, about what?” </p><p>He definitely knows he’s said something now and Dan’s stomach sinks as he realizes he’s messed up once again. He<em> always </em>does this.</p><p>He wants to kick himself for being so unprepared and for thinking he could wing this, because Dan Howell is not someone for doing important things on improv. He’s just ruined a beautiful moment, and he has no idea what to do.</p><p><em> I can’t do this. </em> His mind  screams on a loop. <em> I’m not ready, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t do this. </em></p><p>“Nothing?” Dan gets out, but it sounds more like a question. “It’s nothing, it’s fine.”</p><p>“You mean proposing?” Phil laughs. “Dan, you know I’m joking. We’re just having a normal night. I wouldn’t go announcing stuff like that out loud if it were happening.”</p><p>Of course Phil doesn’t know it, but that just makes Dan feel worse. It drives home the point that this is absolutely not the setting, not the time or place. Phil wants to reassure him, but he’s basically just told Dan <em> whoops, you’ve messed up! </em>This is neither the time or place, yet somehow he’d led himself to think this was fitting.</p><p>He forces out the weakest attempt at a laugh that he’s probably ever done. “Yeah.” He agrees lightly. “I need to sweep you off your feet first. Theatrics and all.”</p><p>“Naturally.” Phil jokes back, his expression relaxing with Dan’s joking back. They look at each other for an uncertain moment before Phil leans in, pressing their lips together. “And that’s assuming you’re taking initiative.”</p><p>“Have to keep you on your toes somehow.”</p><p>Dan’s heartbeat slows, but he still feels like he’s just performed damage control. Is he cursed when it comes to doing this? He’s almost starting to think so. </p><p>It was just a joke, why was his first impulse to deny? What would Phil think if he took it back and told him he had actually been meaning to propose this entire time?</p><p>
  <em> You could have done it just then, you idiot. You could have told him. </em>
</p><p>He’s lost the opportunity now. Now they’re joking about something that he had been building up to all night.</p><p>Not that it’s Phil’s fault. It just means he was unsuspecting. Oblivious.</p><p>So what does he do? He laughs it off. He buries his face in Phil’s neck as they resume dancing, the thought of proposal drifting away as he accepts his failure and attempts to enjoy the rest of his night.</p><p>Because Phil is still his everything, and he has all the time in the world to do this, and to do it right.</p><p>
  <b>-third attempt-</b>
</p><p>Dan sighs, tossing yet another sweater to the side and going back to carding through the options in his wardrobe. It had taken him at least twenty minutes to decide on a pair of trousers, matching it with a jumper was about to be the next great ordeal. It shouldn’t be too chunky, but considering how long they’re going to be outside today it has to be warm enough. And what about the coat overtop?</p><p>He knows he’s putting too much thought into this, they’re just clothes. No matter what he’s wearing, the outcome won’t likely be affected. But Dan is determined to make this as perfect as possible. He’s been planning this day all week. </p><p>Maybe it’s just his nerves. They’ve been building up for a while. </p><p>The week has been long, the time ticking down so slowly that it was impossible for him to not spend every minute of it worrying. Each day brought on a new wave of emotions, all of which he hid from Phil as best he could. For all he knew, this was just a fun day he had planned. Not one of the most important events of his life. </p><p>That’s what’s been on Dan’s mind the most. He’s gone over almost every way in which this could go wrong, debated several locations, times, and even planned out what he was going to say.</p><p>Okay, he has <em> somewhat </em>planned his proposal speech. </p><p>What started off as just a few bullet points in his notes app turned into several pages of rambling. He knows he’ll definitely share those with Phil one day, but he needs something much shorter for something this anxiety-inducing. Is he ever going to remember all of it? Definitely not.</p><p>He has a few different ideas of where he could start. Witty lines, sentimental drabbles, but nothing he would consider to be the perfect speech. He figures it would be easier to fuck up something that isn’t as thoroughly planned out as this, since he’s come to accept the fact that he <em> will </em>mess up. He might even start crying before he’s able to say anything at all.</p><p>Everything should go smoothly, despite any inevitable slip-ups.</p><p>He smiles as he pictures it in his head. He’s found a spot where he plans to take Phil, so secluded there’s almost no chance of disturbances. He thinks about how clear the sky is forecasted to be, how beautiful Phil will look under the lights of the setting sun, how peaceful it will be to be surrounded by nature. Outside, yet as alone as ever. No one is going to witness this moment, it’s just for them.</p><p>Once he’s finally decided on a coat he checks behind him to make sure he’s alone, and then slips the ring out of his pocket.</p><p>He’s had this for a while now, but it doesn’t look any less perfect since the day he bought it. He pictures it on Phil’s finger when he slides it into the interior coat pocket.</p><p>There’s a knock at the door, causing Dan to jump. He quickly drops the coat from his hands and turns around to see Phil standing in the doorway. </p><p>“Hi,” he giggles. </p><p>Dan is confused as to why he is so amused until he glances down and remembers that he’s still shirtless and he has three different sweaters draped over his arm. There are two coats hanging from the chair next to him. His face warms up when Phil hugs him from behind, but he can’t stop himself from smiling like an idiot.</p><p>It isn’t unusual for him to deliberate over outfits, so thankfully Phil doesn’t seem to suspect anything. Dan kisses him on the cheek.</p><p>“Stop laughing at me and help me decide, you buffoon.” </p><p>“Whatever I say you’re going to end up going with something else.” Phil reminds him.</p><p>“Well I would still appreciate your input.”</p><p>Phil hums, keeping his arms tightly secured around Dan, gently rocking them both back and forth. There’s a silence before he lifts one arm to point at the one that caught his eyes, Dan following the motion with his gaze.</p><p>It’s a black jumper, very <em> Dan </em>, with long, cozy sleeves and made with cable knit, kitten-soft wool. Simple in appearance yet stylish, not too flashy or fitted. It had been a favourite of Dan’s a few years back after he’d paid probably more than he should have for it. It’s true what they say, black really does go with everything and Phil knows Dan prefers comfort over standing out.</p><p>“Ah.” Dan acknowledges, reaching for the jumper as Phil keeps the hold on him.</p><p>“I don’t even know why I’m giving input anyway.” Phil jokes. “You’ll have a jacket over it the whole time so no one will even be able to see it. Unless-”</p><p>His gaze travels to the two coats hung over the back of the chair that Dan had set out earlier. One is his puffier coat with the fur-lined hood that he wears mostly in the winter time, perhaps a bit warm for this time of the year. The other is a denim jacket that one of them must have bought at some point, they’ve both found themselves wearing at one time or another and they’ve agreed they both suit it.</p><p>“This over the jumper would be fashion.” Phil suggests. “Why don’t you wear that?”</p><p>Dan does a quick envisioning in his head and comes to the conclusion that yes, these two things work as an outfit.</p><p>“You’re right.” He agrees. “It’s the vibe.”</p><p>“Your mum’s a vibe.” Phil shoots back as Dan wiggles out of their embrace to pull the jumper over his head, tugging it down over his waist and feeling warmth spread throughout his body, a combination of the cozy sweater and the familiarity of his and Phil’s banter. </p><p>There’s just some moments where it really hits him how much he appreciates being able to have it with someone. He turns around to properly look at Phil, taking in his outfit now that they both have something.</p><p>He’s wearing a multi-coloured jumper and seems to have opted for no coat. Dan technically could have done without one as well if he didn’t need a proper hiding place for the ring, which he does, because he and Phil aren’t going to spend a lot of time in separate vicinities today.</p><p>“How do I look?” Phil asks. It’s a semi-joking tone, but that doesn’t stop Dan from stopping and staring.</p><p>Phil always looks good, whether he knows it or not, but there’s something about the way he’s standing there with his hands gripping the sleeves of his sweater, how the blues of said sweater complement his eyes, and how he can see the natural shade of his hair coming back in at his roots.</p><p>Maybe it’s the giddiness that has him noticing the small things. Maybe it’s the excitement that’s left him stunned into silence just by seeing his soon-to-be fiancee. </p><p>“You look beautiful.” Dan says, leaning in to kiss him. “You always look so beautiful.” </p><p>Phil rests his hands on Dan’s hips as they kiss. It still amazes him to this day, the way he can take his breath away just like that. They way Phil kisses him like it’s the first time. They way he looks at him like he’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen.</p><p>Dan backs away and pulls the jumper over his head. He struggles a bit with the sleeves, and he shoots Phil the finger when he can hear him laughing.</p><p>“Shut up!” He whines, tugging the hem down so that his head pops out and he can see Phil standing there with a smirk on his face. “Absolutely fuck off.”</p><p>Phil just continues to giggle uncontrollably as he leans in for another kiss. It’s short and sweet, because even Dan can’t hold back his laughter now. He catches his breaths as he inhales slowly, leaning his head against Phil’s. He can hear the soft sounds of his breathing as they stand there in each other’s arms.</p><p>“You spork.” Dan mumbles. “As if you can make fun of <em> me </em>for being clumsy.”</p><p>He opens his eyes, lifting his head up to get another look at Phil. He wants to remember this day, this moment. He wants it filed away into his brain forever.</p><p>So he looks. Indiscreetly, of course. He takes note of the redness on his cheeks and lips, every line, every wrinkle, every freckle. </p><p>“Hey Phil?” He half-whispers.</p><p>Phil raises his eyebrows, a curious look on his face as he takes Dan’s hands in his.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Like clockwork, Phil’s inquisitive look shifts into a smile and his eyes go down to his hands.</p><p>He laughs, shaking his head and then lowering his head down to nudge into Dan’s neck, hugging him close enough that Dan can feel the smile there.</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>Phil turns around to grab Dan's coat. He makes a comment about his “aesthetic” as he watches Dan. </p><p>Dan laughs, studying himself in the mirror and fixing his hair.</p><p>Phil walks up behind him and slides the coat over his shoulders, pulling each sleeve over his arms and rubbing his hands up and down his shoulders as Dan leans back into his touch.</p><p>“You ready?” Phil asks, grabbing Dan’s bag and handing it to him. </p><p>Dan nods. He waits until Phil turns around to zip his coat pocket shut, securing the ring. </p><p>-</p><p>Dan isn’t exactly sure where Phil is taking him. He had said he had a craving, but wouldn’t specify. </p><p>And he’ll admit, he does get excited when he sees that they’re headed towards the bubble tea shop.</p><p>They’ve been here on occasion. It’s nothing special, but it’s a nice thing to do on those rare days when they actually go out and explore London a bit.</p><p>They don’t end up having to wait long. Unsurprisingly, they both order caramel. They don’t always go for the same flavour, but they just so happened to want the same thing today. </p><p>After a few minutes of walking, they find a place to sit down. Dan likes to watch people. He also likes to watch Phil watch people. </p><p>It’s really a sight to see, the way Phil’s eyes light up when Dan makes fun of the way he sips his tea, the way his eyebrows raise and is forehead creases as he laughs, the way he reaches over to tickle Dan, stopping his laughter in its strack as he gasps and jumps back.</p><p>It’s wonderful, it’s carefree.</p><p>It’s perfect.</p><p>The sun shines at such an angle that the colour of Phil’s eyes is more noticeable than usual. There’s a happiness visible there, and he doesn’t care who sees them, or if anyone stares. He can grab Phil’s hand and stare into his eyes because they’re <em> allowed </em> to be happy. They’re allowed to have moments like this.</p><p>Once they’re both finished with their drinks they find the nearest bin to throw them in. Dan can tell the time of day he’s been waiting for is approaching, so he grabs Phil’s hand and pulls him along.</p><p>“What’s got you so happy today?” Phil giggles.</p><p>“What?” Dan laughs. “Can I not just enjoy spending a day with my <em> amazing </em>boyfriend?”</p><p>He knows he isn’t going to just be calling him his boyfriend for much longer, and that only excited him more.</p><p>“Can you at least stop teasing me and tell me where we’re going?”</p><p>Dan shakes his head, his smile wide and his mind buzzing with happiness.</p><p>“Nope!” He says, popping the p. “You’re just going to have to be patient, Lester.”</p><p>They walk for a good fifteen minutes, pushing through groups of people on pavements and grabbing each other’s hands every so often so that they don’t lose each other in the crowd.</p><p>It’s only a short walk from the shop itself. After about five minutes, brick buildings and flower boxes give way to trees and a low-hung fence, shrouded in vines with just enough visibility to show them the sprawl of the park beyond it.</p><p>Dan grins when he sees Phil’s eyes light up in recognition, their gazes trailing last the network of walking trails and benches to the sparkling duck pond and foot bridge in the distance. They make it to the entrance in moments and Dan is struck, as he always is when coming here, how quickly it feels like he’s stepping out of the comfortable hustle and bustle of the city and into a space that never fails to clear his head.</p><p>This is <em> their </em> park. They’ve gone walking, attempted running for fitness and had even filmed a couple videos here. When Dan isn’t working he likes to wander along the water with earbuds in, letting the music take over for a while and just letting himself relax. Music walks are his second-favourite thing to do here, though.</p><p>His first favourite, undoubtedly, is finding ways to bring Phil.</p><p>Dan leads him to a spot secluded by trees, satisfied with his choice when he sees the view that they have. The people coming and going, the muted colours of the sky complementing the autumnal ones they’re surrounded by, and the sounds of the breeze and the birds to top it all off.</p><p>“This is so nice.” Phil says. “I can’t believe you planned this.”</p><p>“I have my moments.” Dan grins, setting his bag aside and unzipping it. He yanks out a blanket that he had stuffed in the bottom earlier. Phil had asked him what he needed a bag for and he told him it was a surprise.</p><p>The evening hours are approaching, and it couldn’t make this moment more perfect. Dan can’t help but notice how Phil looks under the golden light as he directs him to hold the other side of the blanket so that they can unravel it.</p><p>Stunning. He looks stunning.</p><p>“Come here?” Phil asks, his voice soft. He sits down and pats his hand on the open space next to him. </p><p>Dan shifts from his kneeling position and leans against him, sighing a little louder than he had intended at the realization of how soft the grass under the blanket is. Phil chuckles, flinching when Dan kicks him lightly in the shin.</p><p>They don’t say anything for a while after that. They watch as the sky slowly changes colour, as the park gets darker and darker until the only light left is the orange glow from behind the trees.</p><p>It really is the perfect moment. Phil’s head on Dan’s shoulder, their fingers intertwined. Phil’s smile is relaxed and genuine and his face looks soft, <em> so </em>soft. Dan leans down and presses a kiss to Phil’s head, smiling when he hears his hum of content.</p><p><em> This is it. </em> He thinks. <em> I can ask him right now. </em></p><p>Dan can feel the buzz of excitement as he slides his coat off and bunches it up in his lap. Phil doesn’t seem to mind, resuming his position on Dan’s shoulder.</p><p>He doesn’t mean for his breaths to come out as shaky as they are. He can’t tell if it’s the breeze or the nervousness that’s giving him goosebumps.</p><p>Perhaps It’s a bit of both. </p><p>He hopes Phil doesn’t notice as he subtly fumbles with the jacket. He sucks in a breath, unzipping the pocket slowly and sticking his hand inside. </p><p>His fingers feel around the inside of the pocket. He’s not scared. He’s come this far, and he wants this.</p><p>He’s never been more sure of himself. The moment has never felt more perfect. He’s been itching to ask Phil, to get on his knees and hold his hand as he slides the ring over his finger.</p><p>That’s when his heart drops, his mind catching up with his body and coming back down to reality when he realizes that the ring is gone.</p><p>His newfound confidence shatters in an instant.</p><p><em> “Fuck.” </em>He swears, just a little too loudly for something that he only intended for himself to hear.</p><p>Phil lifts his head from Dan’s shoulder. He can feel his gaze on him, he can see his confused face, almost out of his perspective.</p><p>He’s frozen. He can’t even turn to face Phil.</p><p>His breathing goes heavy with the sudden urge to cry. He shudders, overwhelmed with frustration as another urge bubbles up in his throat.</p><p>“Shit!”</p><p>“Dan? What’s wrong?” Phil asks, rubbing his arm.</p><p>“Idiot.” He mumbles. “Fucking <em> idiot.” </em></p><p>He finally turns to look at him, and he watches as his eyes fall from his face to his hand where it’s buried in his pocket. He seems to connect the dots, his expression filling with sadness.</p><p>“Did you forget something?”</p><p>Dan can’t stop the tears that gather in his eyes. Every worst possible conclusion as to what may have happened to the ring fills his head at once. The tears slide down his cheeks as he chokes back his cries, not wanting to ruin this evening by making a fool out of himself.</p><p><em> It doesn’t matter. </em> He tells himself. <em> Everything is already ruined. </em></p><p>He knows Phil can sense the dismay, but he wont tell him why. He can’t.</p><p>“There was something I wanted to give you.” He gets out. His voice is shaky, and telling him doesn’t do much to ease his mind.</p><p>“That’s okay, you can give it to me when we get home.” </p><p>‘No, I don’t know where it is.” He explains, voice hoarse. “I thought I had it in my pocket.”</p><p>Phil’s hand falters over Dan’s shoulder. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yes.” He insists.</p><p>That’s when he remembers. Phil had put the jacket on him. He specifically remembers zipping the pocket before they left.</p><p>“It must have fallen out.” He realizes. “At home.”</p><p>“Then there’s nothing to worry about.” Phil says. “Everything is going to be fine.”</p><p>Dan appreciates the sentiment, but it doesn’t help. Not in this situation. He had the perfect moment and just the right amount of confidence to actually say the words, and he forgot the most important part.</p><p>He shakes his head, his breaths shallow.</p><p>Phil takes his hand and holds it against his chest.</p><p>“Do you want to stay a little longer? Or do you want to go back now and look for it?”</p><p>“Can we just go home?” Dan sniffs. </p><p>He looks up at Phil apologetically, knowing how he let something so small and insignificant be the deciding factor in how their night would go. He knows he still could have gone through with it, that it wasn’t a big deal, but the shock of finding out he had forgotten it had upset him so much that his brain wrote off the potential for any kind of proposal.</p><p>He mentally facepalms himself for that one.</p><p>“Of course.” Phil says softly, bringing Dan’s hand up to his face and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.. He keeps their interwoven hands against him and uses his free hand to pull his phone out and order a cab.</p><p>Dan doesn’t cry, but he really <em> really </em>wants to.</p><p>-</p><p>As soon as Phil unlocks the door and opens it, Dan is pushing it open. He discards his bag immediately and runs upstairs. He can hear Phil calling after him but he doesn’t bother waiting up for him. If the ring is in their room, he can’t have him seeing it. This night might have completely backfired, at least he can still keep the ring a secret.</p><p>He shoves their bedroom door open and immediately gets on his hands and knees, frantically searching around the wardrobe until he spots what he’s looking for, buried in the carpet just behind the chair where he had previously left his jacket</p><p>His suspicions were correct. The damn thing fell out.</p><p>He feels a mix of relief and anger, knowing that this all could have been avoided if he had just thought to double check.</p><p>At least he still has it. He’s aware it could have turned out <em> much </em>worse.</p><p>The sound of Phil walking down the hallway towards their room has Dan jumping back and scrambling to his feet. He clutches the ring in a fist so that Phil can’t see what he’s holding.</p><p>“Did you find it?” he asks.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Phil’s eyes flicker to his hand.</p><p>“Did you still want to tell me what it is?”</p><p>‘Uhm,” Dan stares at the floor. His hands are still shaking. He still wants to cry.</p><p>He can’t do this right now. Again. He’s getting so sick of thinking this. He doesn’t want to snap at Phil, but the aggravation is starting to grate on his mind.</p><p>“No,” he decides.</p><p>Phil smiles, walking over to Dan and pulling him into a hug.</p><p>“That’s okay,” he says. Dan lets himself be held while making sure to keep his fingers tightly clenched, hoping to god that Phil doesn’t try to hold his hand. </p><p>“I don’t know why you can’t tell me, but I’m guessing it’s just something I’m not supposed to find out yet, so I’m not gonna ask.”</p><p>Damn Phil and his uncanny ability to always make Dan feel things when he’s spiralling. Dan doesn’t want to smile, so he just groans instead.</p><p>“Something like that.” He tries to make it sound as boring and unimportant as possible, despite having to toss all over their plans over forgetting the ring earlier. </p><p>“Are you hungry?” Phil asks. “Do you want to order something?”</p><p>His voice has gone all soft and Dan gets the distinct impression that he’s being taken care of now, Phil probably about to go full mum on him until he’s certain that Dan feels better. He can live with that, sinking into Phil’s arms and nodding gratefully.</p><p>“All right.” Phil kisses the top of his head. “Don’t you go anywhere.”</p><p>He waits for Phil to leave the room, presumably to go downstairs and find his laptop. He opens the wardrobe and files through the coathangers until he finds the coat, returning the ring to its original hiding place.</p><p>He closes the wardrobe so that Phil doesn’t get suspicious when he comes back. He falls back and collapses in the chair, exhausted and on the verge of tears.</p><p>He can hear Phil coming back. He props his feet on the edge of the chair and hugs his knees against his chest, watching as Phil returns with his laptop, the screen emitting a bright light across his face. </p><p>He doesn’t notice Dan, not until he sits down on the edge of the bed and looks up. Dan knows his eyes are watery and that even though it’s dark and Phil doesn’t have the best eyesight, he can tell.</p><p>“Hey,” Phil murmurs, gesturing to his side with his head.</p><p>Dan slowly unfolds himself and makes his way over to Phil, lying down on the edge of the bed and facing away so that his tears can fall into the darkness. He lets Phil ask him what he wants instead of looking at the screen himself, not wanting the light to illuminate the red blotches that have most likely formed on his face.</p><p>They end up ordering a pizza. Dan still can’t be bothered to look up, but he listens to everything Phil says. He may still be upset, but at least the prospect having some food is enough to cheer him up a little.</p><p>Then there’s also Phil’s hand on his back. First, it’s just smooth, paced motions. Then it’s an arm draping over him and pulling him away from the edge of the mattress, then it’s a warm body spooning him from behind. It’s one thing Phil has learned over the years, to take affection one step at a time whenever Dan is overwhelmed. </p><p>He knows his boundaries. That only makes Dan want to cry even more.</p><p>“Hey,” Phil’s comforting voice comes from where his lips press against the back of his neck. “It’s okay. We’ll stay here until the pizza gets here.”</p><p>Dan shudders as he lets out a breath.</p><p>“Thank you,” he whispers, taking a hold of Phil’s hand.“I’m sorry, I wanted everything to be perfect and I fucked it up.”</p><p>“No, you didn’t.” Phil assures him, kissing his head. “I had a lovely time.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t want to think about it anymore. He just exhales and lets himself smile despite the tears on his face. Phil’s hold on him is comforting and grounding, and even though he has no idea why Dan is upset, it makes him feel less alone.</p><p>And that’s where they stay, right up until the sound of the doorbell rings through the apartment, indicating the arrival of something that always makes Dan happy. Dinner with Phil.</p><p>He’ll cry some more later, but right now he appreciates having Phil in his life. He loves that he’s always going to be here, no matter what.</p><p>
  <b>-fourth attempt-</b>
</p><p>Everything feels softer in the dark.</p><p>They could turn the lights on; it’s not like it has to be this way. The deep grey and navy tones of the night wrap around Dan like a blanket, his mind drifting and hands wandering over Phil’s cheek, sliding up to card through his dark hair which elicits a sigh.</p><p>The faint light of a streetlight slants in through the nearby window, casting a glow on the far wall. Other than that all is darkness, the flat quiet save for their breaths.</p><p>Next to them sits a mostly empty bottle of rosè. It had been a gift, a celebratory token from someone at IRL for successfully completing another huge, ambitious project, which one specifically Dan can’t remember at the moment because they’ve had the bottle a while. The alcohol is swirling in his veins and warming him from the inside out, definitely more than their three-glass limit they’ve come to know over time but no big plan this time. Phil is sat half in his lap and his hair between Dan’s fingers feels even softer than usual.</p><p>It’s not the first bottle they’ve completed tonight. The rosé is the fancy follow-up. It made Dan feel high class and Phil liked the way it tasted so they took turns taking sips from the glasses between conversation and an old episode of Adventure Time, until the sunset dipped down and the TV was turned off.</p><p>Now that the drink is gone, their words are flowing freer and Dan’s fears from last time have all but dissolved. He feels weightless and safe, Phil’s half leaning and half sitting on him, a partial cuddle that still allows them to move their arms. The sofa is right there, they could be sitting on it but the floor is where they’ve made their home for the night. It’s not a formal moment, it’s just a sit-on-the-floor kind of night.</p><p>He isn’t a hopeless romantic. He likes to think of himself as a realist. Analytical and cynical. He knows relationships aren’t perfect and that the real joy of having someone is the ability to just be yourself, the comfortable silences and security of just being able to drop his guard for a moment. But there’s the problem of, well, Phil.</p><p>“Hey. You’re cute.” Dan mumbles.</p><p>Phil tips his head back, leaning so that it’s rested against Dan’s chest. Dan wraps one arm around Phil’s shoulder to pull him closer, smelling the shampoo in his hair and reveling in the familiarity of it. It smells like Phil.</p><p>“I am.” Phil agrees. “But I’m guessing you’re saying that because you can’t see me, therefore you’re actually telling me I look better when it’s dark.”</p><p>“Perhaps.”</p><p>The mood is light and sleepy. They’re at that buzzed point where conversation is still coherent, but everything seems hilarious. Time is standing still. It’s just Dan and Phil.</p><p>“Meaning I’m more attractive when you can’t see me. Is that even a compliment?” Phil teases. “I’m offended.”</p><p>“Oh, get over it.” Dan’s arm is going slightly numb. They readjust their position slightly, shuffling to sit side by side with their shoulders and legs pressed together, draping the blanket over both of their knees. It’s a brief separation and they immediately snuggle back together. They always seem to drift closer when they’re drunk.</p><p>“I don’t think you’ve called me cute since we were younger.” Phil points out.</p><p>“You’re always cute.” Dan sets down his glass to wrap his other arm around Phil, holding him against his chest and nudging his face into his neck.</p><p>He wobbles a bit, a little off-balance. Phil’s there to steady him though, hand sliding around his waist and squeezing. They laugh and Dan taps his fingers along the side of the cup, fingertips rolling over the glasswork musically.</p><p>When he sets it down, Phil’s staring at him softly, face relaxed and fond and eyes just the tiniest bit out of focus. He’s clearly tipsy and just the tiniest bit tired, a good combination for a night like this.</p><p>Dan knows this look. He’s seen just every expression Phil’s face makes. He knows every subtlety, knows when Phil is comfortable or when he’s thinking, knows that he’s safe when those eyes are focused on him.</p><p>“Dan,” Phil murmurs suddenly, looking right at him.</p><p>Dan blinks, discerning his boyfriend’s features even in the increasingly low light. </p><p>He really feels like he’s in a movie, the moment is playing in a warmly buzzing image before his very eyes. He isn’t even thinking about the last attempt, the failed proposal that’s practically a trend now. It wasn’t that bad, really. Looking back on it, the only feeling registering is the sweet tone of nostalgia.</p><p>“Yeah?” He says back just as quietly. He has the odd urge to giggle, like they’re about to exchange a secret.</p><p>“Do you think we’re going to be together forever?” Phil asks.</p><p>Dan’s expression softens, mind fully aware that Phil has no idea how sweet or monumental his words are. Dan’s usually the sentimental type. The question makes warmth bloom from his chest outward that this is even on Phil’s mind.</p><p>There’s a pause, mostly because Dan just wants to experience this for a moment. His body feels weightless and his mind is blurry in a good way. It registers that he loves Phil a whole fucking lot.</p><p>“Yeah, I really do.” Dan says honestly. His response is answered with silence, so Dan peers at Phil expectantly.</p><p>“I...” Phil reaches out and squeezes Dan’s hand, loving and familiar, his eyes casting over to the wall. “I always used to worry that we wouldn’t. The world is a scary place and people always wanted to know exactly what was going on with every minute of our lives. Our career is practically founded on us being a package deal.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Dan agrees absently, not eager to have this sort of conversation again. It’s old and unwanted, especially now when he can finally believe that things are getting better.</p><p>“I wanna be with you for a <em> long </em> time.” Phil chuckles, leaning his shoulder into Dan’s and turning his face close enough that Dan can feel the warmth of his breath. “You’re so annoying. And you look really good when you’re wearing sweatpants.”</p><p>“A winning combination.” Dan smirks. “My two traits.”</p><p>“That’s not all!” Phil protests, seeming to realize he’s reduced his boyfriend down to a nuisance with a pair of pants. “You’re not allowed to leave me. You’re a moose if you do.”</p><p><em> If only you knew, Phil Lester. </em> It hits Dan again that Phil has no idea just how much Dan <em> doesn’t </em> want to leave him, though surely deep down he must know.</p><p>“Why’d we drink so much?” Phil complains. “My head feels like a plane.”</p><p>It makes no sense but Dan knows exactly what Phil means. He loves the way his mind works. No matter what Dan expects him to say, Phil will always come out with some different, lateral way to say it.</p><p>“Amazing.” Dan laughs. “You’ve lost your final braincells.”</p><p>“Goodbye,” Phil agrees. “My brain only cares about Dan now.” </p><p><em> If only you knew </em> , Dan thinks again. It’s funny that a secret like this is even possible, he has no idea how Phil isn’t reading him like a book the way he does with everything else. It may be in a different way, but the boy Dan used to fawn over, now grown, is still an oblivious idiot. Dan feels like he has <em> I want to marry you </em>plastered all across his forehead. </p><p>“I want to kiss you,” Dan blurts aloud, instead. It’s not exactly what was on his mind, but definitely not untrue.</p><p>Phil chuckles, running his hand through Dan’s hair.</p><p>“Then do it silly.”</p><p>Dan places his hand to Phil’s cheek, drawing him close and pressing their lips together. </p><p>He doesn’t have the ring on him. He hadn’t been planning on proposing, but the moment is just so perfect. He can’t pass it up. </p><p>The feeling of Phil’s fingers in his hair, gently massaging his scalp. The way his eyes are hooded but still full of emotion as he stares down at him. The sounds of his breathing being the only thing he can hear in the otherwise silent room. It’s all so perfect.</p><p>Phil is more intoxicating than the wine. Dan wonders briefly if he should even be considering this, but immediately brushes it off. This can’t go wrong.</p><p>“Hey, Phil?” </p><p>The wine is doing the talking now. Dan doesn’t think he could stop himself even if he wanted to.</p><p>“I have a question.” He mumbles.</p><p>He holds Phil’s hands against his face as he turns his head upright. <em> This is it. </em> He thinks. <em> I’m going to ask him. </em></p><p>“Shoot,” Phil mumbles. His eyes are heavy from exhaustion but Dan can tell that he’s paying attention, and trying his best to stay awake. </p><p>Dan takes a deep breath. He knows he isn’t sober. If he had been, his brain would be telling him to back out as quickly as possible. He has no filter, so he just lets the words spill out all at once.</p><p>“Willyoumarryme?” </p><p>Okay, maybe a bit too fast.</p><p>“What?” Phil breathes.</p><p>Dan squeezes Phil’s hands to put his mind at ease. He’s relieved when Phil squeezes back, even if he’s kind of ruined the moment by having to repeat himself.</p><p>“Will… you… marry me?” He whispers. “Yeah, that’s what I said.”</p><p>“Marry you?” </p><p>Phil repeats the words and Dan’s heart skips a beat. He can feel it in his chest, and he can hear it in his ears.</p><p>The words seem to echo. He can’t see Phil’s face and his head feels blurry so he doesn't know if Phil’s reaction is amused or serious. The silence stretches, when he’d thought the response would be immediate.</p><p><em> Why isn’t he saying yes? </em>Is this only the right moment to Dan? It’s a yes or no, and the yes isn’t coming.</p><p>Phil giggles. “Where is this coming from?”</p><p>Dan shrugs. “I…” He lets his voice trail off as his mind starts to get ahead of him. Is this funny? It’s like Phil can’t see that he’s being serious. </p><p>Then again, what if he does and it’s just nervous laughter? What if he’s known this whole time and he’s just messing with him?</p><p>What if he actually <em> doesn’t </em> want to marry him?</p><p>Maybe he should have waited until he was sober.</p><p>“Not sure,” he lies. “Just wondering, I guess?”</p><p>Phil just smiles, oblivious to the trainwreck going on inside Dan’s head.</p><p>“Oh. Hypothetically?”</p><p>“Hypothetically.”</p><p>Phil sighs, his lips twisting into a smile.</p><p>“Of course I would.”</p><p>“I-” Dan isn’t sure where to go from that. His brain isn’t helping, just going blank while Phil shuts his eyes.</p><p>“I wanna get married one day, you know that,” Phil adds, finally seeming to realize Dan needs a little more. “Is that what you mean?”</p><p>It’s an easy out. Considerate, really that Phil is granting him the opportunity to retract his words should he need to. He’s always been like that, endlessly patient with Dan even when he should have been making him own his words instead. But Dan can’t do this again, he can’t take it back. Phil’s words are encouraging, so he goes with that.</p><p>“Getting engaged doesn’t mean you have to get married right away,” he points out, determined. “Some people are engaged for months, even years.”</p><p>“I know that, Dan.” Phil says softly.</p><p>“I just-”</p><p>No one ever told him it was this difficult. Sure, he’s not thinking straight, but even with liquid courage in his veins he’s fully aware that he’s flopping at this. He must seem so out of it, babbling about marriage when Phil has no idea that there’s a ring for him, chosen and hidden away long before this conversation occurred. </p><p>He has no idea that Dan has had it with him for a few days now, and has been trying to force himself to finally ask instead of waiting. This isn't exactly how he envisioned it going, but if some wine was all it took for him to stop doubting himself then so be it.</p><p>He can’t seem to find the words to articulate this, to get Phil to understand that he’s being serious. So he smiles instead, reaching up and brushing his fingers across Phil’s cheek as he concentrates on the slow rise and fall of his chest.</p><p>“Nevermind.” </p><p>His head feels heavy. He can’t keep his eyes focused but he tries as hard as he can to keep them open as he stares up at Phil.</p><p>“You’re pretty." he mumbles.</p><p>Phil giggles. His amused face is the last thing Dan can recall before his eyes shut and he falls asleep in Phil’s arms.</p><p>
  <b>-fifth attempt-</b>
</p><p>Dan can hear footsteps when he wakes up. Immediately, he can feel a headache coming on. He groans as he slowly pushes himself up and tries to locate Phil. The light is heavy as it fills the room through the window, too intense for Dan to keep his eyes open, so he closes them and collapses back against the cushion. He can hear the sound of two glasses being set down on the coffee table and the blinds shutting. When he opens his eyes again he can see Phil, seemingly in a similar state as him.</p><p>“So...do you want to talk about last night?” Phil asks, sitting down next to Dan</p><p>His eyes are heavy from having just woken up with a slight hangover and Dan can see his glasses are just about to fall from his face.</p><p>“Not particularly,” he answers, reaching over to slide the glasses back onto Phil’s nose.</p><p>“Well,” Phil starts. “I would like to. If you don’t mind.”</p><p>Dan sighs. He’s fucked everything up, surely. He wanted this to be perfect and he ruined it with his awkwardness. <em> again. </em></p><p>“I know talking about life stuff stresses you out sometimes,” Phil continues. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t respond right away. He just leans forward and reaches for one of the glasses, the idea of a cold glass of water more enticing than ever.</p><p>“No, I-” He grips the glass, trying to think of how to address this as he takes his first relieving sip. </p><p>“It’s good to talk. I like talking to you. I was trying to... I just-”</p><p>Phil rubs his shoulder with his free hand, letting him know that it's okay.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to just ask you that,” Dan says, thinking back to how he’d just blurted out such an important question while they were drunk.</p><p>Phil nods understandingly. “I’ll be honest, it caught me off guard.”</p><p>Dan stays quiet, taking a few sips of water and cringing at the memory. </p><p>“I wasn’t sure what to think.” Phil explains. “I mean, we’ve never really talked about marriage before. Not seriously, anyway.”</p><p>Dan’s heart skips a beat when Phil says the m-word. “I assumed you thought the idea was ridiculous.”</p><p>“Of course it’s not.” Phil assures. “I was just nervous, I didn’t know why you were asking.”</p><p>“Phil, I asked you point blank if you would marry me and you brushed it off. How was I supposed to read that?”</p><p>“Fuck,” Phil mumbles. He leans back into the cushion and presses his fingers against his head. The look on his face shows he’s just now realized what he did.</p><p>“Why do I drink?” He chuckles. “I’m such an idiot.”</p><p>“No, it’s my fault too.” Dan sets his glass back on the table and scoots over so that they’re as close as possible. “I shouldn’t have sprung that on you so suddenly. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”</p><p>“Neither of us were.” Phil chuckles.</p><p>“We can talk about it, you know. We’re at a reasonable point in our lives.”</p><p>Dan wraps his arms loosely arounds Phil’s and keeps his eyes trained on his face. He’s tired, they both are, but all of their attention is on each other.</p><p>“Yeah, but marriage is just a title isn’t it? I know I want more even if there’s no real point to it.” Phil reasons. “Even if we do it just for us, I like the idea of being able to call you my husband.”</p><p>If the word ‘marriage’ hadn’t caused enough of an emotional response, the word ‘husband’, even in the context of a hypothetical, definitely achieved that.</p><p>A tear slides down his cheek. Phil reaches over to wipe it off and Dan wraps his fingers around his wrist.</p><p>“I love that idea,” he whispers.</p><p>Phil leans his head back against the cushion and smiles lazily.</p><p>“Me too.” He agrees, matching Dan’s soft tone.</p><p>“It doesn’t just have to be an idea, though,” Dan says. “You would want that?”</p><p>“Would I want to marry you? Absolutely.”</p><p>Phil pulls his arm out of Dan’s grasp, wrapping it behind him and rubbing his back. Dan leans against Phil’s chest and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.</p><p>“What would you say if I told you I wasn’t asking hypothetically?” </p><p>The movements on his back come to a sudden stop.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Phil asks, his voice breaking.</p><p>“I mean I tried to drunkenly propose to you.”</p><p>He doesn’t give Phil the time to process what he just said. His brain is screaming <em> do it now! Do it now! </em>And before he can think twice about it he’s sliding off of the sofa and onto the floor, gripping Phil’s knees for support. </p><p>He doesn’t know if he needs to kneel, as this is far from the perfect proposal he had envisioned, He settles for getting on both of his knees and looking up at Phil who has now started to fully understand what’s going on. </p><p><em> This is real. </em> Dan thinks as he sees the smile peeking out from where Phil’s mouth is covered with his hand. <em> This is happening. </em></p><p>“I know this is impulsive, I just- I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I would either way but I want to marry you. I want to wear those stupid suits and walk down a stupid isle and kiss your stupid face.” </p><p>He’s just saying whatever comes to his mind at this point. He’s too caught up in the suddenness of the moment to put any effort into filtering himself.</p><p>Images of what a wedding could potentially look like flash through his brain as he grabs Phil’s hand. He can tell they’re both on the verge of crying.</p><p>“And I want to call you my husband.” He finishes. </p><p>Phil lets out a shaky breath.</p><p>“I don’t care how many times I’ve called it dumb and useless, I want it. I want that with you.”</p><p>Dan can’t contain the smile on his face as Phil nods in agreement. They’re on the same page, he just has to ask the question.</p><p>“Phil, will you marry me?”</p><p>Phil presses his free hand to his face, wiping away the tears that have already started gathering there. He looks at Dan with a look that reads <em> is this actually happening right now? </em></p><p>Dan just nods, smiling as he reaches for Phil’s hand. He wants to see his face.</p><p>“Yes, oh my god!” Phil tugs Dan’s hands towards him, nodding his head.</p><p>Dan just lets out a sob then. He lets the air rush out of his lungs.</p><p>“Dan. Come here.” Phil says softly.</p><p>Dan wipes his cheek with the sleeve of his sweater and leans in to kiss Phil, letting the fact that he is now kissing his fiance sink in as they press their lips together. He can’t stop the tear that rolls down his face.</p><p>He continues to kiss Phil, one hand sliding from his cheek to his neck, one reaching for his pocket while he has Phil distracted. He isn’t quite sure why he thought to grab the ring, He’s not even sure why he had it in the first place, the previous night is a bit blurry. He’s just doing whatever feels natural. </p><p>He rests his head against Phil’s, eyes still closed as he reaches for Phil’s hand. He finds the finger he’s looking for rather quickly and doesn’t think twice before sliding the ring on.</p><p>Phil gasps when he notices what Dan is doing and immediately looks down. His eyes go wide.</p><p>“Wait, what?” He whispers. “You have a ring?”</p><p>Dan nods, holding Phil’s hand in between them. He pulls it towards the morning light coming in through the window so they can get a better look.</p><p>It looks beautiful, that Dan knew. It looks even more stunning now that it’s finally on Phil’s finger. He twists it a few times, giving Phil a proper look.</p><p>It fits perfectly, like it belongs there.</p><p>“You were planning on proposing,” Phil says. He finally looks up from the ring and back to Dan.</p><p>A breath of disbelief leaves Phil’s lips as he plays with the piece of metal on his finger. He looks back at it and raises his hand a bit, almost as if he can’t believe he has a ring on his finger.</p><p>“Yeah.” Dan confirms. “I bought it a while ago.”</p><p>“How long is a while?”</p><p>"A few months."</p><p>Dan can see the second it registers for Phil.</p><p>“And you’re just asking me now!?”</p><p>“I was waiting for the right moment!”</p><p>“You asked me over a bottle of wine!” Phil reminds him. “How is that the right moment?”</p><p>“I tried several times before that!”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I was going to ask you one night but you weren’t feeling well. I was going to ask you that night on the balcony but I got too nervous and fucked it up. I was going to ask you at the park but-”</p><p>"The ring is what you forgot." Phil finished for him, the realization washing over him. "Oh, Dan."</p><p>"I may have been using every fuck-up as an excuse to procrastinate." Dan jokes.</p><p>“You’re an arse, you know that right?" </p><p>Dan laughs.</p><p>“Did I do a good job? I thought you’d like it.”</p><p>Phil winds his fingers through Dan's and the metal feels nice between them. </p><p>“It’s perfect.” He says softly, pressing a kiss to Dan's unbrushed curls.</p><p>“I know this probably wasn’t what you were expecting in terms of a proposal.”</p><p>“Enough of that.” Phil grabs his face and gently rubs his thumb across his cheek. “I’m so damn happy right now.”</p><p>Phil looks at him with pure adoration. Eyes wide, glasses crooked from when he ran his sleeve under them to wipe his tears. He moves his hands to cup both of Dan’s cheeks and hold their gazes in place.</p><p>Dan feels the cold of the ring against his face and jumps at the touch, but he quickly gets used to the feeling. He wraps a hand around one of Phil's arms as another tear slides down his cheek.</p><p>He takes in a shaky breath as Phil leans in to kiss him again, pressing his lips ever so gently to Dan's. Every time Phil's fingers press into his cheek or rub circles into his skin he feels the ring there and he remembers all over again that he is going to marry this man.</p><p>It seems Phil's brain is still processing this fact too. Nothing has changed, nor will anything ever change between them. They will still always be there with each other for the rest of their lives no matter if they call themselves boyfriends, husbands, or even soulmates. The label will never change the way they feel about each other.</p><p>"You look like you're thinking about something." Phil observes quietly as he pulls away. </p><p>Phil likes to tell Dan that he has a <em> thinking </em>face. One that he never fails to point out whenever Dan has something on his mind. </p><p>"I'm just thinking about," Dan presses a small kiss to Phil's lips, "How I'm kissing my fiancé. Thinking about my future with him. You know, normal things to think about."</p><p>"I thought you said you hated labels." Phil jokes, wiggling his eyebrows.</p><p>"Fuck off!” Dan shoves him playfully. “You're still my boyfriend and companion and soulmate, and whatever the hell else I've called you. That doesn't change."</p><p>"Just another word to add to the arsenal then? Along with dipshit and dumbass?"</p><p>"You're <em> my </em>dumbass." Dan reminds him with a laugh. "Dumbass first, husband second."</p><p>Phil giggles. "Okay, that's fair." </p><p>Dan yelps as Phil unexpectedly pulls him back in for another kiss. He smiles into it, knowing that Phil is not only happy, but <em> excited.  </em></p><p>Maybe it hadn’t gone to plan, but he loves Phil. And Phil loves him. He gets to marry the man he loves and he wouldn’t have it any other way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>come say hi on tumblr! @casualdannie</p></blockquote></div></div>
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